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Location: UFOUpDatesList.Com > 1999 > Jan > Jan 11

Rhetorical Questionnaire?

From: John W. Ratcliff <jratcliff@worldnet.att.net>
Date: Sun, 10 Jan 1999 23:25:21 -0600
Fwd Date: Mon, 11 Jan 1999 11:04:52 -0500
Subject: Rhetorical Questionnaire?

Just what is a rhetorical questionnaire?  Wait, don't answer
that.  Recently I have commented on the subject of alien autopsy
hoaxing grooviness.  Not too long ago I ranted with a great deal
of spittle, spouting the fine distinction between a UFO cult, a
Jehovah cult, and a can of spam.  Since I've never done any
actual UFO research and my public presence in the UFO field has
been strictly limited to shooting my mouth off, an oozing
orifice of sarcasm, most might wonder what, if anything, I have
to say?

It is probably for this very reason that this questionnaire is
so rhetorical.  What's the purpose in answering a bunch of
nonsense written by an admitted lunatic?  Not really worth the
effort at all is it?

The reason I am posting this message (you don't have to answer
this question, I plan to tell you), is the recent developments
regarding Joseph Smith (woops, pardon me!!) I mean Joseph
Firmage, and his sudden decision to give up the good life of
working himself to death CEOing a major megabucks
super-corporation to become a bit player in UFO mythology right
around the time when that great odometer in the sky ticks over
all those way cool zeroes.

So some glowing alien dude shows up in his bedroom at night,
waxing poetically on all that is cosmic, meanwhile some
anonymous postal employee hands him a pile of dissinformational
documents, he gets all spiritual and stuff and feels compelled
to spend way too much money setting up a web site that seems to
have the express purpose of hiding all of the actual material
the casual surfer might actually want to read.

And where does that weirdo cultist John Ratcliff fit into this
equation? What's his kick?  Oh..oh..wait, I know the answer to
that one.  What tickles John's fancy ain't those silly aliens,
it ain't those super sekrit gummint intelligence agents, what
intrigues John is why folks like Firmage, Mack, Hopkins, Moses,
Saul, and others change their lives in such dramatic fashion
based on a singular psycho-spiritual experience?

Here's the questionnaire.  Since it is in fact rhetorical, all
of the correct answers are listed at the bottom of the page:

(1) Who is in charge of the UFO cover-up?

(a). The US gummint.
(b). Whoever is flying the dang UFOs.
(c). There ain't no such thing as UFOs, therefore there ain't no

(2). An alien shows up in your bedroom, all glowing with light,
and says there is a great galactic federation, that humanity is
going to join up real soon, and that you, personally, should
quit your job and inform the world of these momentous events,
that you should affect world change and shape world opinion.
What do you do?

(a) Quit your job, set up a website, and devote your life to
    spreading this personal revelation to the world.
(b) Hug your kids.
(c) See a therapist.
(d) Realize that it's not your job to inform the world about the
galactic federation, you aren't even on payroll, and that _they_
are in a far better position to perform this task than you are.

(3) UFOs, if real, are....

(a) The single more important event in human history.

(b) not necessarily proof of extraterrestrial biological

(c) manifestations of Satan, demons pure and simple, straight
    from the fourth dimension.

(d) not nearly as important as how happy your children are today.

(4) A source who is deeply involved in the black government
    discloses tantalizing hints about the extraterrestrial
    presence.  This means...

(a) The final proof required to solve the mystery, the enigma,
    the riddle, that is UFO.

(b) Without evidentiary value.

(c) An interesting twist in the evolution of modern mythology.

(d) An obvious dissinformation effort by the powers which
    suppress the truth about the alien presence.

(5) An archeological discovery is made, from the dawn of early
human civilization, which provides a tale that sounds uncannily
like nuclear weapons being launched from spaceships piloted by
human like gods.  This is proof positive..

(a) That mankind is the product of a genetic engineering program
administered by ancient gods who combined alien DNA with that of
early ape men to produce modern Homo sapiens as a slave race.

(b) That early man was a primitive savage, full of superstitions
and was capable of creating rich mythologies based  on their
ignorant understanding about the world around them.

(c) The dangers of speculating beyond a hopelessly limited data

(6) While gardening, a UFO lands in your back yard and an alien
steps out. You...

(a) Run screaming for the hills.
(b) Seek psychiatric help.
(c) Connect the USAF.
(d) Offer him a buckwheat pancake to see if he gets the joke.
(e) Rub your eyes and hope it goes away.
(f) Refuse to answer the question because such a thing could
    never happen.

(7) An alien being approaches you, all glowing an full of light,
and wishes to enlist you in his/her/it's program to usher
mankind into a new golden age.  You...

(a) Fall down in awe and prostrate yourself before this powerful
spiritual being.

(b) Call the alien being to task for his secretive nature and
insist that he do his own  dirty work,  pointing out that you,
being Homo sapiens and all, refuse to be party to such a
subversive agenda.

(c) Shrug the whole thing off as a bit of bad wiring in your
temporal lobe.

(8) You see a UFO, an actual flying saucer, at close range.  You
see it, and experience it in full vivid all senses Technicolor.
This is...

(a) Proof that you are going insane.
(b) Proof that you are having spontaneous hallucinations.
(c) Proof enough for yourself that UFOs are as real as rain.
(d) Proof of nothing since you cannot recreate it on demand
    under laboratory conditions.

(9) Your best friend claims to have been abducted by aliens and
experiences symptoms of shock, despair, confusion and a soul
shattering change in his personal cosmology.  This is...

(a) Proof that experiential reality is relative.  That you feel
concern for your fellow man, while at the same time remaining
confused and ambivalent about what it all means to yourself.

(b) Proof that your friend is nuts and should be put in an

(c) Proof positive of evil space aliens intent on raping humanity.
(d) Proof that your 'so called' friend is a hoaxer, liar, and jerk.

(10) Relativism is the most rational approach to experiential
reality when communicating among members of your own species.

(a) Yes.
(b) No.
(c) Maybe.

This ends the rhetorical questionnaire.  Thanks for playing our
game.  No answers, replies of any kind are necessary.  You can
check your score in the privacy of your own home.

1 (b)
2 (d)
3 (d)
4 (c)
5 (c)
6 (d)
7 (c)
8 (c)
9 (a)
10 (c)

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