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Location: UFOUpDatesList.Com > 2001 > Nov > Nov 24

Like A Rollin' Stone

From: Jim Mortellaro <Jsmortell@aol.com>
Date: Sat, 24 Nov 2001 09:30:06 EST
Fwd Date: Sat, 24 Nov 2001 10:21:03 -0500
Subject: Like A Rollin' Stone

How does it feel? To be on your own. Like a complete unknown...
like a rollin' stone...

There is a down side to the abduction experience. It's called
depression. Some call it post traumatic syndrome. Others call it
just plain painful in ways unimaginable. I call it worse than
all that.

The abduction experience is for me, a life long series of
unnatural events, culminating in some strange inability to
comprehend just what it was that happened. It is completely
unexplainable in our paradigm. And much worse, it is a horridly
complex mix of feelings, emotional and physical feelings, which
do not belong together in any normal circumstance.

When such occurs, it's like having to undergo surgery for the
umpteenth time. You know exactly what is going to happen all
over again. Ever had that experience? As a young man I was
burdened with having had multiple surgeries on the exact same
area. Every time it was required, I was nearly in tears. I knew
what I would have to suffer all over again. I knew the pain. I
remembered the indignities of having to be in the hospital under
those circumstances. Etc.

The abduction experience is much like that. Only worse. Worse,
because it happens over, and over and over again. Without let up
and like the jingle for that old Candid Camera program, "When
it's least expected ..." This can be torture of the worst kind.
It is for most.

But there are some redeeming features to this scenario. For one,
it engenders in me at least, an anger against my abductors which
is most cathartic. I merely hate their guts. That hatred is
strong, it assists in letting the charge go, much like a
lightning rod. Into the night goes the charge, into the ground,
shorting the strike. Me.

But some feel their pain within, to the extent that it becomes a
part of them. They attempt to get it out of their systems along
with the fear, the panic, the terror, the strangeness, the
expectation of that which they absolutely know for certain will
come again. This is a burden which no one can bare, without a
catharsis of some kind. Those who for whatever reason, are
unable to catheterize those terrible feelings and emotions are
bound to suffer a life of sudden and intense anger, of substance
abuse and of a level of instability which at most times is

And no one is immune. No one. The most intellectual of us, the
one who assumes the posture of calm thoughtfulness, the one who
is stoic and mild in his demeanor, even this person is not
immune to the angst.

With me, I occasionally become depressed. Usually it is when I
perceive something has happened to me (I've had an experience)
or when I recall some event which for whatever reason, has
eluded me for a long time. And in writing of my experiences,
this recall is one of the best _and_ one of the worst things
which could happen.

It is the best because I recall things which have been lurking
within for many years. Recently I recalled something which I had
not remembered since 1954 or so.

The worst, because along with the recall of the perception come
the exact feelings, the emotions, all the terror and the pain
(if any during that perception) which was felt at the time. It
all comes rushing in to a mind already burdened with hidden
memories and which has reeled from previous recalled events.

Can you imagine remembering when you were a kid and fell down
and broke your arm or leg? But not just the memory of falling
off your bike or being hit by a car, but actually feeling ...
_feeling_ ... the pain exactly as you did then ... feeling the
terror, calling your mommy, screaming when the EMT's had to get
you into the ambulance? Can you imagine reliving all those
feelings in a rush?

This is the experience which I've had. And without hypnosis. In
fact, this is the experience which has been explained to me by
some of those who have had the regression. The only difference
between this writer and those I've polled, is that this writer
has little doubt that no one has influenced my memories. Notice
I used the word "little." The doubt is always there. Otherwise I
would be a little ferblungit as well as fresh fallen off the
turnip truck.

This is the life of one who thinks he is an abductee. I wanted
you people who perceive that you are researchers on this List,
to take a glimpse into my world. It is a world in which I, just
like you, must work, play, have a family and deal with the
vagaries of life. Add to that mix, the other feelings, memories
and emotions which I've outlined, and there you have a life made
much more difficult by the combination and addition of these
extra burdens.

Now, ever wonder why some of us go a little bonkers now and
again? Or need to howl with the dogs? Or create creatures like
Gesundt to take the pain away for just a little while? Ever
wonder how a man can recreate his life with those horrible
memories, the recall, etc., and still function?

I do and I am not an alcoholic, drug abuser or even a drinker. I
am merely afraid. All the time. And the shrinks I've seen think
it's just phobia.

And the check is in the male.

To be successful in life with these things over your shoulders
makes you look and feel like superman.

Dr. J. Jaime Superman Gesundt and my dog Pepe, he lives in there
with me too.

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