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Location: UFOUpDatesList.Com > 2007 > Apr > Apr 27

The Truth Is They're Not Really Out There

From: UFO UpDates - Toronto <ufoupdates.nul>
Date: Fri, 27 Apr 2007 10:54:40 -0400
Fwd Date: Fri, 27 Apr 2007 10:54:40 -0400
Subject: The Truth Is They're Not Really Out There

Source: Macleans Magazine - Toronto, Canada


April 30, 2007

The Truth Is, They're Not Really Out There

UFO sightings dropped 16 per cent under Harper. We're losing our
intergalactic edge

Scott Feschuk

It was in these pages that my colleague Paul Wells recently
brought news that the federal government is delivering on its
commitment to develop the Pacific Gateway, thereby improving
Canada's ability to attract more cargo ships from China. Alas,
the hidden truth is that this very same government is ignoring
its duty to develop another important trade corridor. New data
demonstrate that under Stephen Harper there has been a marked
decline in UFO traffic in the airspace above our nation. My
fellow Canadians, I ask you: how much longer must we endure this
Conservative neglect of the Interstellar Gateway?!

The numbers are quite alarming. After a decade of remarkable and
consistent growth under Liberal governments, reported sightings
of Unidentified Flying Objects in Canada have suddenly dropped
by more than 16 per cent. According to figures compiled by the
Winnipeg-based UFOology Research Institute - or, as it's also
known, Some Dude's Basement - only 738 UFO encounters were
reported in 2006, down from 882 during Paul Martin's first year
as prime minister. The message is clear: in a rapidly changing
universe, Canada finds itself badly lagging in intergalactic

What's worse, the frequency of alien visitation appears to have
fallen off even more precipitously than the numbers themselves
indicate. Consider this bit of fine print from the report: the
UFOology Research Institute believes that "even late-night,
anonymous telephone calls that are obviously reports of
airplanes or planets should be rightly logged as UFO reports."
(Though for the record the UFOology Research Institute's mother
doesn't agree. She also thinks the UFOology Research Institute
should find some new friends who aren't so pale.) Bottom line:
the Institute's stats are padded with many reports of so-called
"visitations" from the mysterious planet of Westjetia. Moreover,
a full 51 of the sightings, almost one per week, were reported
in a single town in rural Saskatchewan by a single person who
was, and - we can safely assume - will always remain, single.

But most disturbing of all is the report's revelation that fewer
than three per cent of Canadian UFO cases in 2006 included even
a fleeting "close encounter" with alien beings. And only one
sighting - just one of the 783! - was classified as a Close
Encounter of the Fourth Kind, meaning a full-on alien abduction
or, at the very least, a "contact experience" with a being from
another world (just FYI, these are apparently not always as
pleasant as the "contact experiences" enjoyed by Capt. Kirk). I
don't mean to alarm you but this could mean that during the
whole of 2006 under the Harper Conservatives, not a single
Canadian citizen came into contact with aliens from outer space
and was subsequently probed anally.

You don't need to be an economist to grasp the crucial three-
step process that has, since the dawn of time, governed economic
interaction between peoples:

1. Visitation leads to curiosity.

2. Curiosity leads to anal probing.

3. Anal probing leads to the establishment of lucrative and
enduring trading relationships (and, briefly, the ouchies).

The public policy implications of this downturn in UFO traffic
are stark. Despite our vast geography, we are clearly losing
ground as a top-of-mind alien destination. Our populace is being
probed at a rate that would embarrass some Third World countries
and most fashion designers. If this continues, there is a very
real possibility that we will forfeit the hard-won opportunity
to be among the first humans to submit and kowtow to our
eventual alien overlords.

Political scientists describe Harper's reticence on this issue
as puzzling. Granted, it's true that building Canadian-Alien
relations did not rank among his five priorities during the last
campaign. But at same time he did go to the expense of building
that regeneration pod and obtaining the ill-fitting human skin
for "Jason Kenney." Talk about mixed messages.

Equally confusing was the Harper government's poorly received
interstellar tourism campaign, which touted our plentiful and
welcoming terrain for crop circles but completed neglected to
play up our generous supply of trusting and compliant Prairie
folk. Meanwhile, as Canada wallows in complacency, our American
neighbours are reporting more alien sightings, encounters, fist
fights, pregnancies and autopsies than ever.

The UFOology Research Institute says it publishes its data each
year in an attempt to "promote the dissemination of information
across the field of ufology," as well as to make stamp
collectors feel comparably less nerdy. Some analysts say the
shifting figures in this year's report can be explained by the
profound differences between our current Prime Minister and his

Paul Martin kept a very close eye on the alien file. He
designated official landing areas in every province and two in
Danny Williams's bedroom. He ordered supporters of Jean Chr=E9tien
to roam deserted rural roadways in the middle of the night while
wearing loose-fitting trousers. And he kept secret the true
nature of Herb Gray's, uhh, origins.

Harper, on the other hand, has invested heavily in the military
and has adopted an unfriendly posture toward newcomers to
Canada. Plus, let's face it: any curious alien culture observing
our Prime Minister's manner from afar could easily come to the
conclusion that he's already got something up his arse.

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